This week, Simon is mostly in pain, due to BEAR RAPE.
Due to an unfortunate incident involving a family of voles down by the river, both of Simon's eyes are actually missing. Every night he must kill, to claim a fresh set of eyes.
Using a complex and secret formula, involving food colouring and his own shit, he dyes them to match the colour they used to be.
The technique is not perfect, however, and this is why he often walks into walls.