This week, Simon is mostly fucking retarded.

Fact: Simon is actually a cat.
He was not born this way; originally, he was a stoat that clawed his way out of his mother's womb after a bizarre incident involving some KY Jelly, a broomstick, and an Austrian midget named Klaus.
One night, whilst out foraging for porridge oats, he was bitten by a werecat. Subsequently on the full moon of every month he turns into a disturbingly fat cat.