This week, Simon is mostly covered in his own shit.

In an effort to keep his skin youthful, soft, and with the consistency of butter, Simon has taking to smearing himself in his own excrement, mixed liberally with elephant semen.
As can clearly be seen from the photograph, he enjoys partaking in this act. It does, however, leave nasty stains on the carpet that are a bit of a bugger to remove.
That's why Simon endorses Cillit Bang.